hanacowo

I'm still currently working on commissions albeit very slowly

I feel like I owe everyone an explanation for just dipping and not posting anymore for weeks now. I'm currently very stressed and have lately been very insecure about my art and my speed. I always feel like I'm in a constant pressure to pump out art even though nobody really tells me to do that just to keep my presence on this site ;;

I've been diagnosed (around 2015) with depression and bipolar disorder for years now although I never really told anyone here because despite having a few thousand followers, I never felt like I made any close friends and part of that is also due to me easily getting stressed trying to talk to people even though I really want to make friends and the same thing applies in real life too.. Everyday is a struggle, especially with the pandemic going on, with things ranging from getting up from bed or eating and sleeping properly and especially gaining self control when I'm being ridden with anxiety or feeling emotionally aggressive/vulnerable. And because I don't eat/sleep properly I feel like throwing up or passing out pretty often throughout the day ;; Not to mention the regular occurrence of anxiety attacks. God I just hate being alive right now. I always have trouble focusing and even the simplest things like reading and writing are a struggle for me. I've had to pause trying to type down this update multiple times because I have trouble remembering words so I apologize if there are parts that sound strange. I used to go to a psych and I used to take meds for my illnesses but we can't afford any of those anymore so I had to stop a few years back and it's really taking a toll on me now ;;

I don't come from a well off family, my dad is the only one working and he makes maybe a little over 200$ a month. I don't know if he's even getting paid anymore since he was forced to stop working for a bit due to the pandemic so now we're just living off of emergency savings that will surely run out if he isn't allowed back in his job soon or if this pandemic continues in our country until next year (which seems very likely given how incompetent the government here is). I have no idea how we're living like this as there's 5 of us in the family and my parents constantly pressure me also to do commissions so I can help out and I can understand that but the more pressure I'm under, it makes me feel even more crippled to just live out my life even though I'm just stuck at home all the time. I really want to do commissions so that I can help out but I'm not even sure if I'm capable to under all the heavy mental, emotional and physical things I'm feeling now.

I don't really have any friends and my parents are hard at work trying to find ways to make money. Most nights I just want to cry feeling lonely even though you could argue that it's my fault for not reaching out to someone and it's my fault for being socially awkward and it's my fault for being tired when socializing. I always feel like I have such little support but I can't really try to lean on anyone because it feels like there's no one there and it's not just me having a hard time with things ;;

I might open commissions I don't know because they stress me out, if anyone knows any other means of making money online, please let me know I'd really like to try ;; I feel like a burden in the household and things are getting harder and harder

I don't know I just wanted to vent because I feel like there's nowhere for me to go now If you've made it this far, I'd just like to say thank you for listening and take care ;;;